Behaviour → Need → Strategy

A simple tool for parents over the holidays

Summer holidays in Aotearoa can be a beautiful mix of warm evenings, whānau gatherings, long road trips, beach days…and tired kids, big feelings, sensory overwhelm and moments of dysregulation that may leave you wondering, “what is going on?!”

You’re not doing anything wrong. Holidays come with a different kind of busyness; disrupted routines, social expectations, and tired adults too.

This little tool—Behaviour → Need → Strategy—gives families a quick way to understand what’s beneath a child’s actions and offers ways to respond amidst a busy, sunny, slightly-chaotic Kiwi summer.

1. Behaviour: What you see on the outside

Children communicate through behaviour. They're pretty unlikely to say, “Mum, I’m overstimulated by all these cousins and the loud barbecue,” they might say it with:

• Tantrums or tears
• Running off or saying “no” to everything
• Big loud energy
• Going quiet or clinging
• Fighting with their siblings
• Struggling with transitions (leaving the playground, leaving Nana’s house)

2. Need: What’s happening on the inside

Every challenging behaviour is a signal of an unmet need. In the holidays, this might show as:

Predictability - Routines shift: late nights, visiting family, long drives, beach days. Kids may crave structure even if they seem excited.

Sensory balance - Summer is full of sensory highs: hot sun, loud crowds, cold water, sunscreen smells, itchy sand, fireworks, busy whānau gatherings.
Some kids seek more sensory input; others need a break.

Connection - Kids can behave wildly after spending time with people they love because they’re actually craving reassurance, regulation, or one-on-one time.

Rest - Even fun things are tiring. Tamariki often get overtired without noticing.

Autonomy - Holiday plans often mean lots of being told what to do (“Get in the car,” “Say hello,” “Put on sunscreen”), so pushback is common.

When we decode the need, everything makes more sense—and your response becomes calmer and more effective.

3. Strategy: What you can do

Once you understand the need, the path forward becomes clearer.

If the behaviour is: Tantrums, tears, or shouting

Possible need: Regulation, sensory reset, predictability.

• Offer a quiet space (shade, car, bedroom, under a tree).
• Use co-regulation: slow breathing, gentle voice, a cuddle if wanted.
• Keep language simple: “You’re safe. I’m here.”

If the behaviour is: Running off, super high energy

Possible need: Movement, sensory input, autonomy.

• Build movement breaks into your day: scooter, bike ride, a jump on the trampoline, playing with a ball together outside
• Give simple choices: “Playground or play in our garden?”
• Keep instructions clear and short.

If the behaviour is: Clinginess, “I don’t want to go,” or shutdown

Possible need: Safety, connection, slower transitions, sensory calm.

• Prepare them in advance (“First we’re going to Grandad's, then we’ll have kai, then home.”)
• Hold hands, sit together, stay close.
• Allow warm-ups at gatherings instead of expecting instant participation.

If the behaviour is: Sibling squabbles

Possible need: Space, clear structure, connection with you.

• Add micro-breaks: “Let’s have 10 minutes of solo play.”
• Do a quick “connection top-up” with each child.
• Keep expectations realistic—siblings get tired too.

If the behaviour is: Resistance or saying “no” constantly

Possible need: Autonomy, control, predictability.

• Use choices: “Blue hat or green hat?”
• Use “first → then”: “First sunscreen, then we play.”
• Offer small responsibilities (holding the bag, choosing the picnic spot, handing out the fruit).

Why this model works

It shifts us from “How do I stop this behaviour?” to “What is my child trying to communicate?”

That mindset creates:

• More calm
• Fewer power struggles
• Stronger connection
• More regulated children—and adults
• A smoother holiday for everyone

It’s especially helpful for neurodivergent tamariki, who may have bigger sensory needs or find social situations more draining. The model is gentle, respectful, and works across different neurotypes.

Final thoughts

You don’t have to be perfect. Your child doesn’t either.

This tool simply helps you pause and notice: What’s really going on here?

When you respond to the need, not just the behaviour, things get easier—more connection, more joy, and more room for the fun memories you’re hoping to create.